For Better or For Worse…

This month Iain and I celebrated our Silver Wedding Anniversary, that’s 25 years of marriage!! Quite an accomplishment these days – as so many have reminded us. It seems to be the exception nowadays, not the norm, to stay married to someone that you once made vows with.

One thing has definitely altered that makes life as a teenager much more challenging now than it was for us and that is the change within the family unit.

When I was growing up in the early 70s in Scotland, I was unaware of any child at school living in a single parent family unless it was because of mortality. The phrases “step-family” or “blended family” were not yet part of our vocabulary and divorce was rare and something that we all still whispered about.

But according to the U.S. Census Bureau over 33% of children are now living in single parent homes.

30 years ago it was rare to find a couple living together instead of getting married. It was not a decision made out of some sort of religious conviction but rather from a sense of morality. Most couples believed in the sanctity of marriage even if they didn’t believe in God. There was a respect and a decency about such things that has long since faded.

Now our teenagers live in a society where, “If it feels good – do it!” is the order of the day and the reason for dating, for the most part, is to experiment sexually.

Our challenge as parents is to uphold a value system that is, in today’s society, considered old-fashioned and outdated. However, it is within these values and principles that our children feel most secure and thus able to flourish and to develop spiritually and emotionally.

28th April 2008

 Who wants to be a Millionaire?

On Saturday morning my son and I worked for five hours straight in the garden and again on Sunday afternoon, this time being joined by most of our family and some young friends.

It was hard work as we performed major surgery on a yard neglected over the winter months. But how rewarding! And what a “high” we all got from engaging in physical labor and working together. There was much laughter and joking as we cut through the overgrown bushes and pruned back the trees.

Although I am a great believer in the old adage, “The family who prays together stays together.” The phrase, “The family who works together stays together” rings just as true for me.

I am always concerned about the work ethic among teenagers today. In a society where everyone is distracted by the promise of becoming a millionaire and never having to work again, it’s no surprise that our children are missing out on a very valuable life lesson – working hard physically.

When our children were younger we often spent Saturdays working as a family to clear out the garage or to paint the fence. Working together helped forge a bond between us all that has never been broken. While others were out shopping or pursuing separate hobbies, there we were: fixed on some family project.

Of course the event would be preceded by the usual groans on hearing the plans and lots of cajoling would follow, but the promise of a movie night with pizza and ice-cream usually motivated them to get going.

Even today, as older teens, they nevertheless engage with us as we tackle some family work project. The initial moaning still exists but the pizza and movie night continues to do the trick - with the car keys thrown in for later!

Never underestimate the power of physical work to help build your teen’s character and to deepen your relationship with them.

14th April 2008

Troubled Teens or Troubled Parents?

This week I counseled a teenager who was having problems at home. Her emotional upset was due to the fact that, because she now believes in God, life has become unbearable with one of her parents.

I listened as she described the ridicule she has to endure and the hostility she faces. I was deeply saddened to hear of her struggles and how they were affecting her emotionally.

I was shocked that this was happening – in a nation that claims to be ‘free’ – a parent persecuting their teenager because of their beliefs.

Surely in this day and time when our teens are being bombarded with many destructive influences this would be reason to rejoice? Their teen had found something to believe in; something to give meaning and purpose to her life when before it was tempestuous, to say the least.

No more worrying where she was on a Friday night or what crowd she was running with. Every parent’s dream! But not so it seems with some, who would rather harass and annoy than support and respect.

7th April 2008

Parenting Teens

Perhaps the task of parenting your teens seems staggering and impossible. Perhaps you are a single parent and feel overwhelmed by what needs to be done. However it may surprise you to know that your teenagers actually want your discipline.

The early teenage years are a great time to implement new guidelines as most of the boundaries you enforced during childhood will no longer be relevant to your emerging adult

The intention is not to imprison them with rules and regulations but rather to empower them by setting reasonable boundaries and guidelines in order to make it easier for them to conduct a well-balanced life. You are on a journey together, trying to prepare them for adulthood, not the military – so be reasonable!

Also, be consistent! Your word has to mean something. Your teenage children have to know that they can trust you and sticking to your word will help them do that.

One more thing: when you are reprimanding them for doing something wrong never attack the person only the behavior. That means that you never say such things as, “You are so stupid,” but rather, “That was a stupid thing that you did.”

31st March2008

What are you transmitting?

Today there are potentially so many things to worry about as parents, especially as we try to navigate our teens through the maze of adolescence.

Every stage brings with it new challenges and areas of concern. Whether it’s allowing our teens to go to a party for the first time without adult supervision or handing them over the car keys and allowing them to drive off into the dark alone. Whatever the situation, it’s all stomach churning stuff for us parents!

I decided a long time ago that I would not harbor morbid, anxious thoughts about my children as they transitioned into the world of adulthood. I refuse to dwell on the negative “what if” scenarios. Easier to equip and release them with a prayer than to become unhinged by anticipating all sorts of awful situations and misfortunes.

Fear and worry cause powerful chemical changes in the body that actually produce chemical toxins. These poisons deplete our immune system and make us more susceptible to all manner of germs and viruses.

As it’s impossible to hold a negative and a positive thought in your mind at the same time, decide today to neutralize the anxious ones that are paralyzing you by dwelling on the positive, uplifting ones.

Our thoughts give off energy and these impulses are picked up by those close to us. Let’s make sure that the vibes we are transferring to our teens are powerful, fearless ones.

24th March 2008