The Art of Letting Go

I think one of the greatest challenges as a parent is letting your children go. Having spent years nurturing and preparing them to face the world on their own the question still remains: “Will they do the right thing when left to decide for themselves?”

How easy it is to judge others when you are not quite in that situation yet. I remember listening to a girlfriend anguishing over letting her son go off to college and wondering if she was being over-protective by calling him every day. I recollect feeling quite smug about how skillful I would be at allowing my children to move away from me little by little and swore to myself that I would never smother them. However, at that time they were barely teens and I could never have envisaged the agony associated with carrying that promise through!!

I have learned several things in trying to accomplish this:

·        Showing confidence in your teenager actually empowers them to become trustworthy. I found that, rather than cosseting them, to release them saying, “I trust your judgment here, I know you will make the right decision” actually helped them to live up to my expectations.

·        Don’t micromanage them, respect their independence.

·        Sometimes when they come to you they just want you to listen and to empathize. Don’t always interrupt with an opinion, they might not be asking for your advice.

·        Don’t pry into every call they get or interrogate them when they go out or when they come home. If you constantly do this they will purposely exclude you in order to avoid your endless questions.

·        Don’t forget that wonderful proverb, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” There maybe some bumps in the road, but we must hold fast to such a wonderful promise.

      16th June 2008

Oh, What a Perfect Day…

Seems like yesterday, over-sized video camera in hand, we lead three 5 year
old girls to start their first academic year. It rained! But we managed to
maneuver them, umbrellas and all into the playground already crowded with
other unsuspecting, eager 5 year olds, hands held tightly by tearful
parents. It was the beginning of an era....

Fast forward thirteen years; think 'Father of the Bride" x3! No, not a
wedding - but a typical North American Graduation - Hollywood Style!

Preparations began way before we even understood the phrase 'spray tan' and gathered such daily momentum and obsession the like never to be seen in a math or chemistry class. If only we could have harnessed that enthusiasm and directed it towards such events as ‘Provincials’!!

No mention of things academic since Christmas made us think that perhaps the Canadian system of doing things was much different than back home in Scotland, but we dared not mention the word 'exams' as emotions were running high the closer June 2nd became.

The month of May was filled with dress fittings and adjustments;
pre-consultations for make-up and hair and ever deepening angst about who
would be with who in the limo (yes, limousine) and whether a girl should pay for her date's dinner-dance ticket since she was the one to request the
pleasure of his company!

We held our tongues and opened our wallets, wondering if other Canadian parents, who knew the score, had had the insight to take out some sort of insurance plan to cover costs when their offspring were still in kindergarten. This was indeed a rehearsal for a triplet wedding!!

Two days before “The Graduation” tanning dye was perfectly sprayed, nails
were beautifully manicured and make-up color charts were double checked.
When the “Big day” finally arrived we were shocked to hear the sounds of
excited chatter at an hour never before seen by them on a non-school day. Hair was carefully coiffed before the make-up artist arrived to paint her canvas and then dresses were cautiously laced and teeth given one last shine.

The first guests arrived at 1 o’clock for the pre-grad reception and we baked in the mid-day sun while endless photographers clicked and clicked again.
$130,000 of Stretch Limo rolled out of our driveway and we waved all 14 of them off - just in time to hear the call of the vintage Merlot lying on the table. Languishing in the sun, we toasted ourselves for being such perfect parents and for bringing up 3 teenage daughters drug-free and with no 'apparent' psychological damage!!

6.30pm saw the last of the garbage bags neatly disposed off and all the
recycling dutifully binned in the correct boxes. We retreated to our
darkened room to lie down for 'just a minute', blaming the heat and the
early rise for the sudden wave of exhaustion, but secretly knowing that,
those three hours of 'panic' weeding before the guests arrived, required more
energy now than it did 10 years ago!!

The sound of the last key in the door was celebrated by the already risen
'dawn chorus' and we stirred for a moment, closing our eyes again on what
had been such 'a perfect day' and, the end of an era.....

3rd June 2008

Friend or Parent?

One of the most common problems that I see among parents with teens is the confusion over which role should take precedence in their relationship – that of friend or parent.

To strive to become your teenagers’ friend above all else is, in my opinion, a grave mistake. Although it always sounds like a wonderful accolade: to be touted as your children’s best friend, it actually robs them of the benefits they gain from having you as a parent first and foremost.

When our children finally leave home our primary work at parenting will almost be over. Then we can look forward to cultivating an adult friendship with our sons and daughters, but for the time being they need our guidance and our discipline.

It’s more difficult to chastise your children if your role with them has been solely that of a friend. As parents we have to ‘raise the bar’ constantly in our children’s lives; to set a standard that the world, with all the different types of friendships that it offers, can never give.

We have a small window of opportunity to equip and to mould our teenagers; very soon they will fly the nest and hopefully take with them all the skills necessary to make it on their own. The time to cultivate friendship then begins: a wonderful transition from parenting to companionship.

26th May 2008

Sex & Relationships – a Biblical Perspective

In today’s highly sexualized, “if it feels good – do it!” culture our teenagers need honest, biblical based, straight forward answers about sex and relationships.

In answer to this, Iain and I recently taught a seminar captured in front of a live teenage audience that gives a biblical perspective on such issues as:

·        Sex before marriage

·        Dating

·        Virginity

·        Finding the right partner

It also includes a bonus CD entitled “9 tips for a healthy break-up”  This teaching series was also designed to help you as a parent navigate your teens through the common pitfalls of sexual immorality and to help them develop godly attitudes while living life to the full.

If you are interested in purchasing the C.D. Set or want more information please go to http://www.newgenerationchurch.net or go to the 'recommended links' on my Home Page

For Better or For Worse…

This month Iain and I celebrated our Silver Wedding Anniversary, that’s 25 years of marriage!! Quite an accomplishment these days – as so many have reminded us. It seems to be the exception nowadays, not the norm, to stay married to someone that you once made vows with.

One thing has definitely altered that makes life as a teenager much more challenging now than it was for us and that is the change within the family unit.

When I was growing up in the early 70s in Scotland, I was unaware of any child at school living in a single parent family unless it was because of mortality. The phrases “step-family” or “blended family” were not yet part of our vocabulary and divorce was rare and something that we all still whispered about.

But according to the U.S. Census Bureau over 33% of children are now living in single parent homes.

30 years ago it was rare to find a couple living together instead of getting married. It was not a decision made out of some sort of religious conviction but rather from a sense of morality. Most couples believed in the sanctity of marriage even if they didn’t believe in God. There was a respect and a decency about such things that has long since faded.

Now our teenagers live in a society where, “If it feels good – do it!” is the order of the day and the reason for dating, for the most part, is to experiment sexually.

Our challenge as parents is to uphold a value system that is, in today’s society, considered old-fashioned and outdated. However, it is within these values and principles that our children feel most secure and thus able to flourish and to develop spiritually and emotionally.

28th April 2008